Heartbeat of a Her

And here she is
Wisdom tells me Im nothing
Love tells me Im everything
Within the two, my life flows...

her journey her love her other voices her and herself

Heartbeat of a Her

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 Beginning or end?

11:50 am

Its real... Real and very much here.

We're going to cease operations aka close shop. All our efforts to save the situation, to save the place in Tampines have been fruitless. All those thinking and cracking brains moments didnt seem to bring much solution. We tried tho. And now we are pushed to a corner of desperation. All those months of carrying the burden on our shoulders.. has come to only this.

How am i feeling now?
As sad as i can be.. I wun lie.. To let it go is like a taking a portion of my life away. But there's no choice is there? If i were to follow my emotions, I'll just hold on to it.. But in business sense, we have to let it go... Its too much a burden on our finances.

Yesterday, was the beginning of this ending.. We had to request Kak Yati to step down immediately in order for Cristina to be shifted back to Gombak. There we were last afternoon, at the tamp centre, breaking the news to her. It feels shitty... Very much sickening.. to let your staff go... There were 2 reasons y we still held on... 1stly, the students and 2ndly our staff..but once again... do we have a choice? Kak Yati's supposed to stop her work with us only next month to continue her studies but we had to shorten her stay with us. I really hate this.. Always nice and understanding as usual, she told us that it was fine. That she was expecting it what with the situation of the company. She even added, "Its ok! I'll have more time to bake brownies for orders". In addition to that, she thanked us.. for the opportunity given. My heart wrenched.

Last month, I had to fork out my own money to pay our staff. . which is sth i cant do anymore coz im so dried up myself. If i did, i would keep all of them ard.. If only..

What next?
The students... MY STUDENTS.. OUR STUDENTS. Over these few months, we have grown so so attached to them. All those lessons and workshops, we saw them grow... We saw their self confidence build up and their passion for life escalate. Last Sat when we had our consultation session, Cristina n me could see the apparent difference esp in the younger kids. We are proud.. of them. If only tings were different. They are going to sit for their exams soon... This is the worst time eva to stop classes.. But again, do we have a choice? Sooner or later, we'll be chased out.

The Future
Taufiq tells me,"We have to move on.We wun stop here... Its just a change in directions. We'll still get what we dream of as long as we dun give up." Somehow, I dun have his strength. Even the talk with Kak Yati n Cristina abt the situation was done by him. I just sat and listened. I keep on apologizing to him. I keep tellin him that im sorry for not bein as strong as i shd be.

I still remember the time he told me, "I knew you as a strong person.. esp for a woman." I just replied, tellin him that I know I have changed. And yes I have... I have become weak... Wanna noe y? Because after all these things, I have no more faith... I have no more trust in ppl. I keep on being disappointed and lied to and betrayed time and again. Trust is the MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life. The problem is, I dun think i can trust anyone anymore. The world is dirty.. Esp in business. Its an entirely different scope of dirt compared to working. It will drain you. And so I have changed.. to becoming this weak person. All the lies, the cheatings, the empty words and the disappointment tore me. I can totally understand the feelings of those ppl who stop chasing their dreams after their business fails. Im there now... I just have to decide..Do i still want to pursue this or just give it up for good and just get a job once i graduate?

Will time heal and give me back what I had inside? I hope so... I dun want to give up. Ive gone too far... If i give up now, how am i different to being a loser who quits? My plans are definitely going to be affected. Taufiq n me.. we have plans.. for ourselves.for our future.Will it materialize? I dunno.. Probably it will just take us more time.

I cannot take the easy way out. Im sad... Yes I am... But what doesnt kill me will only make me stronger.. I'll just have to let go and move on... Give me a lil bit time.. I'll be there...I hope..