Heartbeat of a Her

And here she is
Wisdom tells me Im nothing
Love tells me Im everything
Within the two, my life flows...

her journey her love her other voices her and herself

Heartbeat of a Her

Saturday, June 16, 2007 Im not OK

11:09 am

I want to scream out loud... " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! IM NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!! "

I have been holding and holding everything in that i cannot take it anymore.. Its like a volcano erupting now. I want so badly to cry.. to wash everything away.. but somehow.. I cant.. the tears refuse to spill.

So much about the government encouraging entrepreneurship in Singapore now.. Yeah, they have start-ups finance schemes which ppl like me can apply for but what the heck?? if its meant to help start-ups, why on earth do they need our financial statement for the past 3 years??!! hello?? its a start-up.. u noe what start-ups mean?? Its all full of sh*t! And thats not only it, we have finance schemes only to assist those who are in the technology industry..I repeat only technology.. so what happens to the rest?? thats called Technopreneur, u id*ot! Not Entrepreneur! Seriously... Singapore is just full of talk... the action?? At the back of their b*tts!

And D*mn you Chris, You've got a part to play in the state we are in now.. U are a hypocrite, a no - good twisting liar.. We are young.. But we are not stupid! Infact, even if there's ten of you, the total size of your brains will not even be a quarter of one of ours.. Just stay away.. far from all of us.. I feel like spitting on yr face.

Things are getting worse.. I dun want to think what the worst will be like. Thank goodness I have angels with me... I have to admit, Im not as strong as them. And i dunno if i ever will be.. Taufiq n Saedah, I seriously take my hats off you two. While I am thinking of running away, being the ever runner of problems, there you are still standing strong.. yr minds and brains fetching for solutions.

Grandpa.. he's going thru a bad time.. From the bottom of my heart, I was very much irritated with the way he's been. Miraculously, we had a long talk last nite.. Well, I'll let it go.. Cant blame him.. Circumstances suck.. They really do.

Friends... Now im really thinking.. is it true what ppl say? To find one who will share yr happiness, theres a plenty... To find one who will share yr pain n sorrow... you may not even find one.. Back to reality.. you think i dun want to go out and have all the fun in the world?? I really cant.. not because, i've turned to someone who's arrogant or forgotten her friends.. At times, the situation doesnt let me.. Why is it so difficult to understand? Why is it so rare that i hear.. " Su, are you ok? Do u need any help? ". Well, if they are really my friends, then they'll at least try or help me with my probs.. Every cloud has a silver lining.. Perhaps here, the true friends will emerge and at least i'll know who they are..

At home.. I dun want to say more.. Like i told Saedah, its not my liberty to tell. I wish i can share it with someone.. Its killing me to keep it all to myself.Frankly, I dun care.. as long as they are ok.. i dun care even if i really lose my life.. To me they are my everything.. Time will heal the wound, I guess...

Perhaps God really wants to test my faith.. coz i see no other reason for all these to be happening.. Never before have I encountered setbacks from all angles of my life. Its as tho nothing can be right.. Nothing. I've always believed that He will only put us thru what we can go thru. I cant see it yet.. I cant see if i can go thru this yet.. I'll just pray harder.. I've seem to age beyond my years.. where life simply cannot wait to throw its lessons onto me.. Can I keep up with this race?

Maybe just maybe.. from all these, He'll make me a better person.. a stronger person.. and most importantly.. He keeps me by His side.. For now.. I'll say I need all the help I can get.. to just get by...and I hope that tmr, the storm ceases.. so that at least i can remain floating... :)